Word Count: 560
Jonathan remembers middle school gym class, and it was a
horrendous experience for him. He was an overweight and awkward kid who just
couldn’t tolerate sports. Most kids looked forward to the fun and action filled
gym class, but he always looked forward to the exciting adventures in math
class. But of course, Jonathan dared not reveal that to any student in his
vicinity. There was one particular day when the gym teacher made Jonathan
and his classmates play soccer, and it was one of the most painful days of his
life, both mentally and physically. Jonathan was at a point in his life where
playing sports gave him anxiety and when the gym teacher announced that his
class was going to play soccer, Jonathan’s heart skipped a beat, and then it
started to race. He felt his pupils widen and his body felt like it was about
hit the gym floor. Jonathan’s anxiety was kicking in and he could feel the
sweat dripping of his palms and hitting the floor as he panicked. One thing
that Jonathan did well was keeping this anxiety bottled up inside of him
without revealing to anyone just how much fear he was in. Jonathan was put as a
defender in the team, and he could sense the worry and disappointment of his
other teammates because of his lack of athleticism and confidence. He struggled
throughout the entire gym period in keeping up with other students, and he
struggled to communicate with other students when attempting to pass the ball
to them. By the end of the match he was put as goalie, for some reason
fate decided that his gym teacher pick him to be goalie for penalty shots.
Jonathan sensed that it was the gym teachers plan in the first place to try and
break him out of his shell, but he was still upset at the whole idea.
Jonathan’s face grew serious when his opponent kicked the ball towards his goal,
and when the ball flew towards Jonathan the muscles in his hands and arms
failed to remain stiff to block the ball, and he realized how foolishly he
underestimated the force of his opponent’s kick. Consequently, when the ball
hit Jonathan’s wrist, he felt the most intense pain he has ever felt until that
point in his life. He yelled from the top of his lungs and drowned his
surrounding area in tears as he dropped down to the floor on his knees.
Jonathan panicked when he realized he couldn't move his hand and this gave way
to more tears. The gym teacher helped Jonathan up and Jonathan struggled step
by step in agony to get to the nurse’s office. He was just focused on the pain
on his wrist and he couldn't think about anything else. The nurse’s diagnosis
concluded that Jonathan’s wrist was indeed fractured, and she called his mom so
she could pick him up from school and bring him to the hospital. Jonathan
desperately waited in a small wooden chair while his mom frantically hurried to
get to the school. Finally, after half an hour of sitting down in the cold and
cramped room that was the nurse's office Jonathan's mom had finally arrived.
So yeah Jonathan had a great middle school gym experience.
Now please enjoy his high quality artistic representations of what happened that day.
Dear Gio,
ReplyDeleteGood, you've accessed a memory that did allows you to keep most of this post in scene. I like especially your use of sensory details in this sentence: "onathan’s heart skipped a beat, and then it started to race. He felt his pupils widen and his body felt like it was about hit the gym floor. Jonathan’s anxiety was kicking in and he could feel the sweat dripping of his palms and hitting the floor as he panicked." We've got the physical effects of fear, and the details of the sweat hitting the gym floor. Moments like this are what makes the writing vivid and draws the reader in. For this particular scene, there's lots more that you could bring in. The sounds of the ball echoing off the gym walls, the whistle from the teacher, the thump of sneakers on the floor--the more that you can dwell in the specific and keep your reader in the moment, the more we will be invested in what's happening. You've done a good job of keeping this in scene, now look again at where you start. Can you start the scene in a moment of action? The sooner you can start showing us the action, the more quickly we will be engaged in your story.
You're such a good writer! And I can relate to looking forward to math instead of gym, probably because I was always one of the last to be picked on the team! Your details of the setting allowed me to really imagine the situation. And even the descriptiveness of the anxiety you were feeling gave me the same feelings as I was reading it. Nice job!
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