Giovanni Sabartes and Jimmy Cabo
Word Count: 794
SCENE 1: New York City (inside and outside coffee shop)
Shane: Yeah I’ll get the usual, some milk with two sugars.
SOUND: Coffee being made, people chattering in the background
Shane:( grabs coffee) Thanks. See you tomorrow (Walks out the coffee shop, and sees Richard)
SOUND: door opening, and NYC noises
Richard: Hello, brother.
Shane: What are you doing here? I thought I told you I never want to see your face again.
Richard: Shane please, you know I didn’t mean to say that about them. It was 3 years ago for chrissakes! When are you going to forgive me?
Shane: Shut up Richard! I know you were just waiting for the moment for them to die. All you cared about was taking over their company. Just because they treated you differently than me doesn’t give you the right to just dismiss them like that. Now tell me.. how did you find me and why are you here?
Richard: Are really asking me that… do you how easy it is to track people down nowadays. It wasn’t hard to figure out that you pass by this coffee shop everyday as part of your morning routine.
Shane: Oh so now you’ve been spying on me?
Richard: That’s not the point bro. I came here because I want you to be part of the company. I’ve moved it over here to N.Y.C hoping that I could get you onboard. We could really use someone like you.
Sound: Car pulls up
Shane: I gotta go. Don’t try and find me again.
Richard: C’mon Shane give me a break...Well, there he goes.
Richard: Man. How’d it get this bad?
Flashback Sound
SCENE 2: Funeral
Sound: In the background, people crying, sniffling
Richard: (chuckling under his breath) Is that our cousin Dolores bawling in the corner over there. Geez, when was the last time you saw her.
Shane: (whispering) Shut up Richard.
Richard: I’m just saying, how much did mom and dad mean to her? I mean, I must have been like 7 the last time we heard from her.
Shane: Shhh! It’s a funeral, people cry.
Richard: Well if you’re gonna cry like that, you should have been in contact with them within a year of them dropping dead.
Shane: Richard. Our Parents just died. Our Mother and Father are buried in that ground right at this very moment!
Richard: I know. Speaking of which, when do you wanna sit down and talk about their stuff.
Shane: Their stuff?
Richard: Yeah like the house, their savings, the business.
Shane: You want to talk about their stuff right now? In the middle of their funeral?
Richard: Yeah why not? So I was thinking we’d become partners, and completely reboot the business. Oh man, it's gonna be great. I was also thin...
Shane: (yelling) GO TO HELL RICHARD!!
Shane storms out, gasps and chatter begin to fill the room.
SCENE 3: Shane's apartment
Sound: knocking on door
Shane: Richard? What are you doing here?
Richard: Please, Shane, just let me talk for…
Shane: I don’t want to listen to you Richard! After what you pulled at the funeral, there’s no way I’m talking to you right now.
Richard: Dude it wasn’t even that big of a deal I was just looking out for the company man. What the hell is your problem?
Shane: (Yelling) My problem?! My problem is that you never gave a shit about our parents! My problem is that you were so pissed when we were younger mom and dad would pay more attention to me than to you! Well Richard it isn’t my fault that you were born first. You of all people should know that life doesn’t always go as planned!
Richard: You know what Shane your right. (Yelling) I of all people should know! You have no idea how annoying it was to have all my achievements in highschool and my future goals being looked upon as garbage while mom and dad praised you for wanting to go to college and learn something of your own. I was always there helping mom and dad at work while you sat in a university slacking off. And after all that they didn’t give a single damn about all the blood sweat and tears I put in to help them. So you know what screw you and screw our parents. I’m running this company now and you're not gonna stop me.
Shane: Ok Richard you can have it! Now get the hell out of my apartment right now or I swear I’ll do something I’ll later regret.
Richard:(steps out of apartment) Have a nice rest of your life Shane good luck graduating college.(sarcastically)
Shane: Yeah same to you. Looks like you’ll be needing more luck than me. (Slams the door)-To be continued
I think that instead of Shane being at the coffee shop first, have Richard be there ordering coffee and waiting there for him. Then Shane can walk in later on so that it seems like he was really stalking/trying to find him. I like that you start from the future, and then progress into a flashback from the past. It makes the script more interesting to read because it makes the audience wonder what happened that made Shane expel Richard from his life, and then you give us the answer afterward which makes the reader even more interested in what will happen next.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is necessary for you to say "hello brother", if they are going to talk about how he wanted to inherit the company. Also review the responses because there are a few grammar mistakes for example Richard says "are really asking me" instead of are you really asking me. I like the flashback to the funeral though, because it makes the connection to why they aren't speaking.
ReplyDeleteI think this had an intriguing opening. However, I think you say 'Richard' too often when speaking back and fourth between brothers. This has a good story line base but I think you could go a little further with a deeper background story. Maybe you could add a twist in there? Maybe something more happened when they were kids? Both characters seem like neither of them did anything wrong so I'm trying to figure out if theres a bad guy? Overall, good base.
ReplyDeleteSuch a funny script, very well thought of and it sure had a great stoory line, but I feel as if some specific information on what was going on before all this tension to kind of help clear it up would be an additional resource you could have used.
ReplyDelete