Word Count: 604
Chris’s had a
secret that he did not realize it was a secret until he went to his cousin’s
birthday party. Chris was 9 years old when he went to this birthday party, and
it was supposed to be a very fun and exciting day for him. Unfortunately, it turned out to be one of the
worst days of Chris’s life. When he entered his cousins house he was swarmed by
other guests with smiles on their faces. Chris being the shy and introvert that
he is awkwardly greeted everyone and sat down on the nice leather sofa that was
awaiting him in the living room. When he sat down he sunk into the sofas comfortable
surface, and started playing on his phone. Many of the party guests were family
members that he never met before, and he hated meeting new people, because he
could not come up with any interesting conversation. Chris just wanted to sit
on the sofa on his phone, until it was time for dinner. A few hours passed and
Chris started to smell cheese coming from the kitchen. This smell was so strong
in fact Chris felt like the stench attacked his nose forced its way up his
nostrils. For the other guests they were delighted at the smell of the cheese,
and they began to sit down next to the dining table. Chris then realized that
he hasn’t told anyone there that he can’t stand the smell or the taste of
cheese. Once he saw a fountain of cheese and bread delivered to the dining
table he was frozen in shock. “This can’t be all there is for dinner, right?”
he thought to himself. Chris was so worried about being embarrassed to ask
anyone if this was all there was for dinner, and at that point in his life he
did not know the meaning behind the word appetizer, so to act respectful and
not seem awkward he started eating the bread and cheese. He was disgusted at every
single bite he took, but he closed his eyes, chewed, and swallowed away. He was
surprised but relived that no one noticed his reluctances when eating the
cheese. Not an hour had passed when Chris started to feel the effects in his
stomach. He had to run to the guest bathroom and barf, but he couldn’t reach
the toilet in time so he barfed all over the bathroom floor. One of Chris’s
family members came in the bathroom and her eyes widened as she saw the horror
before her. She quickly sprinted out the bathroom pinching her nose in disgust
as the stench was overpowering the bathroom. Soon after the stench started to
overpower the whole house, and the father of the birthday boy was put in charge
of cleaning up my mess. The father was the only one that saw Chris’s disgust of
the cheese, but he didn’t bother to say anything to him because he thought
Chris knew the real food would come out later. The father asked him confusingly
“Why did you eat the cheese Chris, it was just an appetizer?” Chris replied
weakly still recovering from the pain his stomach “I didn’t know.” A while had
passed and Chris’s parents arrived to take him home. Before Chris left he saw
everyone at the party with joyful faces eating from the vast selection of food
that was placed on the dinner table. Chris walked down the steps out of the
house and into his mother’s car with grief glued on his face as he wondered how
such a silly secret could cause him so much harm.
I liked how simple but clever your story was. Secrets are secrets no matter how deep and it was funny to see how such a simple issue turns into something so big to a 9 year old. I also enjoyed how descriptive your story was.
ReplyDeleteI have never heard a more interesting story title than "The Secret of the Cheeses." I do have a question: what does cheese smell like? Can a person smell cheese coming from the kitchen? I like how you let us know this is going to be a pretty bad day from the beginning, but I'm not sure how you can get us there more quickly, and I'm also confused as to why there is so much cheese, though perhaps this is just Chris' impression. Is the secret here that Chris is lactose intolerant? I like this idea that you have a shy kid who is faced with public humiliation and must deal with it, but keep your reader in mind as you're writing. One way to do that is to go ahead and write your piece and then read it out loud to find any places where there might be glitches. For instance, you repeat Chris' name many times in the first few sentences--reading this out loud could iron out some of the repetition. You might also see places where the writing is awkward and you could use transitions. I wonder too, how this might change if you wrote this from a first person perspective.
ReplyDeleteI like how the main character didn't realize he had a secret until he was forced to smell the cheese. I also liked how you showed the personality of a 9 year old introvert through the actions and thoughts of Chris. He didn't know what an appetizer is, like many young children, but later learns at the end.
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